In hangs over me like a dark cloud, sometimes erupting into violent storms other times simply threatening me with is greyness and heavy atmosphere. Following my every step yet sometime playing hide and seek. Its mysterious with its timing, showing up without warning, shocking my conscious with its physical presence. It sits inside me refusing to budge, I grapple to understand its reason, hoping that with enough thought it might vanish to wherever it came from. But thought seems to stimulate it, it grows with intensity until I feel insanity making its way in, like a beach with never ending frequent waves bashing upon its rocks it pounds me down and I claw to stay clear.
I never thought I would be one of those people who was ‘ searching for themselves’, I thought I knew who I was, and for the most part was happy. But then came the day that I had to acknowledge the degree to which I had been self medicating, this was the day too that I began to realise how little I knew myself and how much I needed to grow.
Life for me has always been a struggle. For now I can only pin it down to experiences and perhaps to mental illness. The feelings of confusion, guilt, sadness, despair, loneliness, abandonment, rejection mingled with low self esteem and negative self image combine in such a way that I feel mostly overwhelmed with fear. Life scares me so much that it renders me immobile much of the time. I have days where I race around and get as much done as I want to but mostly my days consist of moving from bed to the couch and vice-versa. I watch people who appear to have it all under control, those who get up and go to work each day, exercise in the mornings and evenings and run a household and again experience feelings of absolute fear. Where this fear stems from I don’t know? It all seems simple in theory, but to me, it seems mostly impossible. It just fucks me off!
